


Sleep Police

by Sleepless_in_Starbucks



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Coffee, Gen, Open Ending, Sleep Deprivation, as in no answers only questions, based off a comment made when I should have been sleeping, but don't count on it, cause I might make this into an actual fic one day, drug mention (but not really), forcing someone to fall asleep, vanishing without a trace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-10 01:04:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19487860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sleepless_in_Starbucks/pseuds/Sleepless_in_Starbucks
Summary: Between the fact that nearly everything about Remy was illegal, from the bags under his eyes to the coffee in his hand, and that he was constantly around the Sleep Police, he should have been in jail a few times over.But you can't lock up what you can't find, and you can't touch that which disappears before you're close.





	Sleep Police

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to all my Discord friends whose attempts to get me to fall asleep accidentally produced this. It's not their fault, I'm just incredibly stubborn.

Remy wandered the backstreets of the town, eyes wary from behind his sunglasses, looking for another catch. He took a sip from his illegal drug, resisting the urge to yawn and risk the whole thing being called off.

It wasn’t long before he ran into the day’s victim: a kid he recognized by day as Virgil Something. He had bags under his eyes that were only partly due to eyeshadow being abused and a jitter in the way he walked that reminded Remy of himself. As Remy approached, the kid raised his eyes from where he was sitting on top of a dumpster, back rigid to prevent himself from slipping asleep.

“Who are you?” He croaked, and Remy winced at how rough his voice sounded. Even he didn’t sound like that on his longest streaks.

“Remy, but you can call me Remy.” Remy replied, taking another sip of his coffee as Virgil’s eyes widened.

“Remy?” He repeated, somewhat incredulously. “ _ The _ Remy?”

“In the flesh.”

Virgil scoffed in admiration. “Record holder of longest sleepless streak. One hundred and forty-three hours, right?”

“Something like that.” Remy responded nonchalantly, hiding his grin at his fame behind another sip of coffee.

“And you’re drinking coffee past curfew.” Virgil said, sounding awed. “You’re a literal legend.” “Nice to know I’ve got a good legacy.”

“So, what are you doing back here?” Virgil asked, relaxing slightly as he recognized a fellow rule-breaker. “You’ve got to have better hiding spots.”

Remy shrugged. “I do. But a walk is always nice.” He clambered onto the dumpster beside Virgil, careful not to slosh his coffee as he did so. “Meeting new people, challenging the cops; gotta have a reason to break the rules, hun, or it’s just boring.”

“Fair enough.” Virgil responded.

Remy let the silence grow for a moment, watching the empty alleyway as a trash bag flew by. “What’s your reason?”

“Huh? Oh.” Virgil said after he realized what Remy meant. “Just a little too anxious to sleep, I guess. Too many nightmares and all that. Plus I’m trying to get my rebellious kicks in before I’m too old to run from the cops.”

“Ah, don’t worry about that, sweetie.” Remy assured him, patting his shoulder, careful to ‘accidentally’ hit his neck, and some actual skin, as well. “The Sleep Police in this town are mostly lazy fuckers. Just don’t go at a snail’s pace and you’ll be fine.”

Virgil laughed, ending with a yawn he barely managed to stifle. “Is that how you stay free? I know you must be high priority on the wanted list.”

Remy grinned. “You know it, babe. My one claim to fame is that I’m never going down for it, though, so you better believe no respectable cop on Earth’s going to be catching me.”

Virgil yawned again, posture slumping as he responded, “Oh, yeah? Must be- be nice to…” He frowned. “I feel… odd.”

“I think the word you’re looking for’s sleepy.” Remy supplied helpfully. “Happens to the best of us. We can’t all be me.”

“I was fine a minute ago.” Virgil said, though he got broken into by two seperate yawns as he did so. He started to slump, Remy happy to direct his head onto his shoulder.

“Sleep can hit you like a hurricane, luv, nothing to stress about.” Remy explained simply. “And with an angel such as myself watching over you tonight, I can guarantee even nightmares will stay far away.”

Virgil mumbled something else, but between his face being pressed into Remy’s neck and the sudden pull to fall asleep already making him mostly incoherent, Remy didn’t catch what it was.

They sat there for another minute before Remy sighed and scooped Virgil up into his arms, carefully sliding off the dumpster as he held both the sleeping boy and his coffee. He made his way out of the alleyway, not at all surprised to see the sunset purples and reds of a Sleep Police patrol car waiting for him.

The driver’s door was open, Roman leaning on it with an amused look in his eyes. “Y’know, you probably should have left the coffee in the alleyway. Seeing as I’m here and all.”

“What about it, sugar?” Remy asked, using his one barely free hand to pull open the back seat and slip Virgil inside. “You know this is green tea, not that nasty illegal coffee.”

“Uh huh.” Roman hummed with a grin. “You’re lucky Logan’s off duty for the night. He’d have your hide.”

Remy glanced into the passenger side with a frown, realizing that his favorite cop to mess with wasn’t trying to pretend he didn’t exist in there. “Shucks. That means he missed my quip.”

“What, about no respectable cops being able to catch you?”

“Yeah.” Remy replied, pouting. “He would’ve had a fit about those implications.”

Roman laughed. “I’m still pretty insulted by them.”

“You’re insulted when it’s rainy because it’ll mess up your hair.” Remy responded. “I’m not too worried about that.”

“I’m insulted by that.” Roman replied with a grin.

“Point proven. Can I have more of the sleep-y lotion?”

Roman rolled his eyes. “It has a name, you know.”

“I don’t remember it. Do you?”

“Nah.” Roman responded, pulling the mental relaxant out of the police car. The lotion, due to complicated science Remy didn’t even pretend to understand, when rubbed into skin, released a mix of chemicals to relax, destress, and often make the party it was applied to fall asleep.

Remy rubbed a bit of it onto his fingers, perfect for casual touches that led to the second party suddenly falling asleep. Felt a little like betrayal to his people, yeah, but it was apparently this or the Sleep Slammer.

And Remy wasn’t up to avoid nightmares or even just for the thrill of it. If he had to wager, he’d say he was the only person within the reach of the Sleep Police to have good reasons to be up.

“Why doesn’t it work on you?” Roman asked as Remy handed the lotion back. “You rub it right onto your fingers. Shouldn’t you be falling asleep too?”

Remy laughed, drily. “If relaxing could put me to sleep, babes, I’d never be awake a day in my life. I know how to chillax.”

Roman mimed hitting his head. “Speaking of, almost forgot.” He pulled the scary looking helmet that was the Sleep Monitor out of the car. “You know you’re not allowed to work if you haven’t slept in the past twenty hours.”

“I thought I got an exception?” Remy protested as he stepped away from the machine. “Since I’m only helping y’all to catch more fish.”

“You and I both know that’s a lie.” Roman responded, stepping closer while he waggled the Sleep Monitor threateningly. “No exceptions. We already barely let you get away with the coffee.”

“It’s tea.” Remy repeated. “And, uh, I think I’m just going to call it a metaphorical night. See ya later, sweetheart.”

Roman rolled his eyes as Remy started to walk faster backwards. “You know I have to send the squad after you, right?”

“Not like you’ll catch me!” Remy called back, turning to properly start running away.

Roman sighed as he watched the retreating figure of the barely-a-consultant disappear into the darkness of the night. He was too good at escaping, given Roman was sure the last time he had slept wasn’t in the last twenty-four hours. Doubtful it was in the last forty-eight, either.

Pulling out his radio, he didn’t even bother giving details, the squad already plenty aware that once the Sleep Monitor was brought into question Remy would run. He did that a lot.

But, like always, when the officers appeared out of the alleyways and corners they were hiding in, Remy wasn’t there to be surrounded. He shouldn’t have been able to escape, and yet, he had. Again.

All that was left to remind them he had been there was a cup that would be too clean, no traces of anything having ever been in it, and the unspoken reminder that in a week or so, Remy would be back, bags under his eyes unchanged, yet somehow able to pass any test they threw at him.

Roman gave the all clear, the squad going back to their own cars, knowing that any further searching of the area would be useless. He climbed back into his own, resting his head on the wheel for a second before going.

One day, Roman knew, they’d catch him and actually make him pay for his crimes (the hefty fine of sleeping a lot, which seemed more nightmarish to Remy than it should have been). But that wasn’t what he cared about. He just wanted to know where Remy went when he fled into the shadows and vanished.

Because it sure as Hell wasn’t anywhere natural.

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr: https://sleepless-in-starbucks.tumblr.com/


End file.
